Is it possible to forget how new relationships are supposed to work? The process of getting to know someone and deciding if it will be a sustainable friendship is tiring. I need to forget so that itll stop eating at me

The desire to take photos is an itch, an urge. Its so many things. Its the way I see the world. Its only way I can create something. I can’t draw or be good with my hands or play beautiful music the way other can. Its the only way I can be creative and I need to feel like I can make something beautiful.

I alternate between feeling sad and being in awe and being inspired and feeling like being alone.

I wish time would pass a little faster. The happy moments may pass more quickly, but then during the bad times I’d know that hopes just round the corner

i’m so tired but i don’t have the guts to do this on my own

Dark and twisty

i don’t know who reads this anymore. I update tumblr so much more than i do this that i think many have stopped checking this. Which is perfect because sometimes its hard to say things on tumblr now that everyone will read it.

dark and twisty is from GA. I’ve been watching a lot of GA recently. Its one of the few shows I watch and I do so because thats me. they say things that are me. Also private practice. I see myself a little like violet from private practice. maybe.

i was just thinking this while doing chores around my room. guys never like me because they think i’m pretty. Maybe they eventually like me in spite of the fact that the don’t think I’m pretty. and thats good because then i guess its not a superficial relationship, there must be something real that I have and that I will have 20 years later. But i’d like to know how it’ll feel like to not walk into a room and have people want to talk to me.

and i never say these things because once people know that you have thoughts like these, its like you give them power, or little bits of yourself. Bits that you hope you can trust them with, but eventually when they find it convenient to unfriend you or move on, they walk out with bits of you. Sometimes I want people to know so that they know me and they have pieces of me with them no matter where they are. Most of the time I keep my pieces to myself so that no one can hurt me. that is the truth.

Frankly

I’m hardly the sort that believes in symbolic things. That telling someone LYVM doesnt mean youre necessarily friends and not sending someone off doesnt mean you don’t care. but this is ridiculous and now I’m sad. I hate the army for taking away all my friends. At least I’ve said my goodbyes.

You should date an illiterate girl

Date a girl who doesn’t read. Find her in the weary squalor of a Midwestern bar. Find her in the smoke, drunken sweat, and varicolored light of an upscale nightclub. Wherever you find her, find her smiling. Make sure that it lingers when the people that are talking to her look away. Engage her with unsentimental trivialities. Use pick-up lines and laugh inwardly. Take her outside when the night overstays its welcome. Ignore the palpable weight of fatigue. Kiss her in the rain under the weak glow of a streetlamp because you’ve seen it in a film. Remark at its lack of significance. Take her to your apartment. Dispatch with making love. Fuck her.

Let the anxious contract you’ve unwittingly written evolve slowly and uncomfortably into a relationship. Find shared interests and common ground like sushi and folk music. Build an impenetrable bastion upon that ground. Make it sacred. Retreat into it every time the air gets stale or the evenings too long. Talk about nothing of significance. Do little thinking. Let the months pass unnoticed. Ask her to move in. Let her decorate. Get into fights about inconsequential things like how the fucking shower curtain needs to be closed so that it doesn’t fucking collect mold. Let a year pass unnoticed. Begin to notice.

Figure that you should probably get married because you will have wasted a lot of time otherwise. Take her to dinner on the forty-fifth floor at a restaurant far beyond your means. Make sure there is a beautiful view of the city. Sheepishly ask a waiter to bring her a glass of champagne with a modest ring in it. When she notices, propose to her with all of the enthusiasm and sincerity you can muster. Do not be overly concerned if you feel your heart leap through a pane of sheet glass. For that matter, do not be overly concerned if you cannot feel it at all. If there is applause, let it stagnate. If she cries, smile as if you’ve never been happier. If she doesn’t, smile all the same.

Let the years pass unnoticed. Get a career, not a job. Buy a house. Have two striking children. Try to raise them well. Fail frequently. Lapse into a bored indifference. Lapse into an indifferent sadness. Have a mid-life crisis. Grow old. Wonder at your lack of achievement. Feel sometimes contented, but mostly vacant and ethereal. Feel, during walks, as if you might never return or as if you might blow away on the wind. Contract a terminal illness. Die, but only after you observe that the girl who didn’t read never made your heart oscillate with any significant passion, that no one will write the story of your lives, and that she will die, too, with only a mild and tempered regret that nothing ever came of her capacity to love.

Do those things, god damnit, because nothing sucks worse than a girl who reads. Do it, I say, because a life in purgatory is better than a life in hell. Do it, because a girl who reads possesses a vocabulary that can describe that amorphous discontent of a life unfulfilled—a vocabulary that parses the innate beauty of the world and makes it an accessible necessity instead of an alien wonder. A girl who reads lays claim to a vocabulary that distinguishes between the specious and soulless rhetoric of someone who cannot love her, and the inarticulate desperation of someone who loves her too much. A vocabulary, goddamnit, that makes my vacuous sophistry a cheap trick.

Do it, because a girl who reads understands syntax. Literature has taught her that moments of tenderness come in sporadic but knowable intervals. A girl who reads knows that life is not planar; she knows, and rightly demands, that the ebb comes along with the flow of disappointment. A girl who has read up on her syntax senses the irregular pauses—the hesitation of breath—endemic to a lie. A girl who reads perceives the difference between a parenthetical moment of anger and the entrenched habits of someone whose bitter cynicism will run on, run on well past any point of reason, or purpose, run on far after she has packed a suitcase and said a reluctant goodbye and she has decided that I am an ellipsis and not a period and run on and run on. Syntax that knows the rhythm and cadence of a life well lived.

Date a girl who doesn’t read because the girl who reads knows the importance of plot. She can trace out the demarcations of a prologue and the sharp ridges of a climax. She feels them in her skin. The girl who reads will be patient with an intermission and expedite a denouement. But of all things, the girl who reads knows most the ineluctable significance of an end. She is comfortable with them. She has bid farewell to a thousand heroes with only a twinge of sadness.

Don’t date a girl who reads because girls who read are storytellers. You with the Joyce, you with the Nabokov, you with the Woolf. You there in the library, on the platform of the metro, you in the corner of the café, you in the window of your room. You, who make my life so goddamned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life of which I spoke at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being told. So out with you, girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you. Or, perhaps, stay and save my life. *

- Charles Warnke

Here it is again.

I made it slightly less than 48 hours. Then the feeling lodged itself in my mind again. I stay out all day not because I have an unlimited supply of expendable energy but because I need to keep myself occupied and my mind off things.

I need to forget sad things.

“By seeing London, I have seen as much of life as the world can show”

Today was a good day.

And i will not rock the boat. I will fight to keep thinking happy thoughts.

All these things i do in pursuit of something that can do more than distract me from the nothingness inside.

It all means nothing. It doesnt even feel as if these actions are my own.

He lets go of her, before she has the chance to let go of him.

- Jodi Picoult

You are not permanent. Therefore, i have to stop giving you pieces of myself.

Please have the courage
to stand back and watch yourself
fall deeply in love.

-Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott

 

 

I am a vessel. Dont you think?

Helping people through their pain takes a toll physically and mentally. If you care enough it becomes your pain too. But then again if it didnt hit you, you couldn’t have cared enough. Its a journey you take together with the person and as much as you get involved in the person’s life, its worth it because you want to see him get better. This is the kind of work I might find fulfillment in. Maybe sometimes I think that if  I help enough people, I’d know why the world feels wrong all the time.

“

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life; we’ve added years to life, not life to years.

We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We’ve conquered outer space, but not inner space; we’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we’ve split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less; we plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes, but lower morals; we have more food, but less appeasement; we build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we’ve become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology has brought this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit delete…

”

—	Dr. Bob Moorehead

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”

— Anatole France

Throttle

So this is how life is meant to be. Full of unfulfilled and wishful thinking that leads to nowhere but consumes us to the core. This is the way we live, from pain to pain and all our objective life pursuits and ambitions are overshadowed by the frivolous. It is frivolous, right?

How do you kill the demons inside without fighting fire with fire?

For no reason at all I wage war with what is around me. Except to me there is, must be a reason for this.

This is everything and nothing, as all that is on my mind tends to be.

i find it endlessly amusing when people ask me if i know what the law readings are.

“Come in,” God said to me, “so, you would like to interview Me?”

“If you have the time,” I said.

He smiled through His beard and said: “My time is called eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?”

“None that are new to you. What surprises you most about mankind?”

He answered: “That they get bored with being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again. That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health. That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future. That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived.”

His hands took mine and we were silent. After a long period, I said, “May I ask you another question?”

He replied with a smile.

“As a Father, what would you ask your children to do for the coming years?”

“To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved. To learn that it takes years to build trust, and a few seconds to destroy it.”

“To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but whom they have in their lives.”

“To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. There will be others better or worse than they are.”

“To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.”

“To learn that they should control their attitudes, otherwise their attitudes will control them.”

“To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness. To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to show their feelings.”

“To learn that money can buy everything but happiness.”

“To learn that while at times they may be entitled to be upset, that does not give them the right to upset those around them.”

“To learn that great dreams do not require great wings, but a landing gear to achieve.”

“To learn that true friends are scarce, he/she who has found one has found a true treasure.”

“To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they forgive themselves.”

“To learn that they are masters of what they keep to themselves and slaves of what they say.”

“To learn that they shall reap what they plant, if they plant gossip they will harvest intrigues, if they plant love they will harvest happiness.”

“To learn that true happiness is not to achieve their goals but to learn to be satisfied with what they already achieved.”

“To learn that happiness is a decision. They decide to be happy with what they are and have, or die from envy and jealousy of what they lack.”

“To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.”

“To learn that those who are honest with themselves without considering the consequences go far in life.”

“To learn that even though they may think they have nothing to give, when a friend cries with them, they find the strength to ease the pain.”

“To learn that by trying to hold on to loved ones, they very quickly push them away; and by letting go of those whom they love, they will be side by side forever.”

“To learn that even though the word “love” has many different meanings, it loses value when it is overstated.”

“Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping them up.”

“To learn that they can never do something extraordinary for Me to love them; I simply do.”

“To learn that the shortest distance they could be from Me is the distance of a prayer.”

He will make your paths straight.

Life as I know it will change in 2 weeks when NUS’s term starts and everyone starts drifting, but I don’t know how to make the most of the time I have left. Still in denial, if i leave reluctantly I may come to regret the way I left more than the act of leaving itself.

It’s so daunting to think that this is the end of an era. One of the worse parts of leaving is that some separations are not voluntary. That the guys in our batch are staying behind involuntarily makes separation for everyone that much more bittersweet.

Right now, tonight, I have recycled thoughts so much that I can’t do it anymore. Its one of those rare moments in recent times where I don’t have conflicting emotions.

I am grateful for the person I have become

I am grateful for all the influences that have made me who I am.

• Basketball in p4 made me sporty for the rest of my time till now
• RGS gave me the drive to be productive. It taught me to hate the system. It taught me impossible time management, friendship and to suck it up.
• Ms koh taught me that theres always a happy way to do unhappy things
• GB gave me friends
• Mr ong taught me that someone always cares
• I am proud to be an rg girl, maybe more than being a rafflesian because rg and ri cultures are so different. I am proud to have been in the rg of my time, around the people then. Truly amazing people.
• PSB for making me realize that I was/perhaps still am more than I thought I was.
• Floorball for teaching me to push, with everything I have and to know how it feels to Want something so badly. For the indescribable  spirit of a team. For making me into a sportswoman again.
• Photog for believing in me more than I ever believed in myself. For beauty in my life.
• 6E and its teachers for making my A level years more enjoyable than I ever thought they could be.
• Tim joewie and shona for somewhere to belong to.
• Nig for being himself
• For Lyn, for being a best friend, confidante, sister, soul sister.

I am grateful that I am who I am so that I can face this. I’m grateful that as of yet, no one else has to. If I could bargain with God, I’d take this so that I’ll never have to tell someone “I know how you feel”.

This too shall pass.

it was like a last hurrah tonight. and then I don’t know what to do.

it wouldnt be fair for anyone else to bear this with me.

I bet they are outside there rallying and making plans and discussing this and I bet my mum is thinking that she’d trade in smart kids for normal kids.

Forever doesn’t exist, at least not for us.

Back from moe camp (:

It was so different from law camp, the sheer proximity of the camps means that there is inevitable comparisons. Law camp made me reconsider staying for law. MOE makes me wonder if I will regret this decision. So afraid, im confused why I was given law in the first place and why I’m feeling this way about my choices, and if I’m meant to make the difficult decision of staying behind in Singapore. There are things and people to stay for. I’m sad that there will be might-have-beens because of the distance. At least I cannot fathom and see the possibilities in UK and its harder to regret them.

It amazing the things that appear, when they do. How could I not believe?

“God gave me a great body and it’s my duty to take care of my physical temple”

—	Jean Claude Van Damme

I will be happy and no one will take that away from me. Time and again, I’m so deeply appreciative and grateful for the people in my life. They are truly the love and I will be there for them for as long as they will have me. Which means I have to be someone they can trust, so I will be that person again. No more.